Book Review for Option B: Facing Grief and Finding Joy

This is an update from a post I wrote when I first read Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant’s book entitled Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy. It had been 18 months after Mike died and on returning from a yoga and writing retreat in Costa Rica I picked up the Time magazine with an article about this book.

I enjoyed my well deserved vacation to Costa Rica and felt amazing when I returned to New York.  I hiked up a tall hill for my meals, took 2 vigorous yoga classes each day and enjoyed amazingly fresh vegan food all week.  I was on a holiday high for at least one week when I returned.

Then came the holiday hangover.  No, it wasn’t about alcohol but the everyday life settled in.

Little food is edible in my refrigerator.  I’m now living alone and my garage scares me after finding squirrels in the fireplace, I’m not sure what could be living out there. I am no longer deserving of any special attention because I am an unexpected widow.  I just have to get up, go to work, deal with all the stuff and get over it now.

I purchased the TIME magazine on the flight home that featured Sheryl Sandberg, the COO (chief operating officer) for Facebook who found her 47-year-old husband dead at the gym in a Mexican resort they had been visiting for a friend’s 50th birthday. I was glad that Grief was on the cover of TIME and that someone so famous had written a practical book about this awful phenomenon that so many people must encounter.

Sheryl Sandberg had been making the circuit of interviews on TV and podcasts.  I read the whole book in one weekend. Sheryl shares her experiences with grief and the sudden death of her husband. Her friend Adam Grant, a psychologist and professor at Wharton, sheds light on research in acute grief, facing adversity and building resiliency. It is a self help book for people like me and anyone else who has experienced a big change in life.  So much information is packed into her book and is best read by reflecting on one chapter at a time.

Some of her ideas are different from what I have read before.  I like them.  I am always searching for ways to make my life better.  The book is a great guide book that includes chapters called: Kicking the elephant out of the room, Self-Compassion and Self-Confidence, Taking Back Joy and Raising Resilient Kids.

To deal with a traumatic event, the 3Ps identified by Martin Seligman must be processed effectively the authors claim.

1. Personalization: it’s all my faulty this is awful
2. Pervasiveness: my whole life is awful
3. Permanence: It’s always going to be awful

Anyone who has experienced their husband’s death can relate to these statements. According to the research in the book, “Recognizing that negative events aren’t personal, pervasive or permanent makes people less likely to get depressed and better able to cope.”

1. Self Confidence

I could write a blog about each of the chapters, honestly.  So many good things to think about but I really connected with the chapter on Self-Compassion and Self-Confidence.

When I lost my husband, I lost my biggest cheerleader.  No matter what I did or said, he was always on my side.  If I was upset with friends, kids or work, he would tell me how great I was and then lead me through solutions.  Now that he is gone, my self confidence is waning.

In the book Option B,  they acknowledge the benefits of people writing down what they are grateful for.  People who journal and record what they are thankful for are happier over time and learn not to be envious of what they do not have, but be grateful for all they do have.

Sheryl suggests to think instead about “small wins” each day and record what you did well each day, and why.  Instead of thinking, as you go to bed each night, about all the things that went wrong, focus on what went well. Studies showed that making this one change helped people lower stress levels, and improve their mental and physical health.

This exercise can move our gratitude from passive to more active.  Counting our blessings was determined not to build confidence.  But we can build confidence with our contributions by reminding ourselves we can make a difference. I will try this.

What 3 things did you do well today?

2. Bouncing Forward

While many people who experience intense loss or trauma struggle with PTSD or anxiety and depression some people are more resilient. Option B talks about post-traumatic growth that is experienced. Post-traumatic growth is defined as positive psychological changes experienced as a result of the struggle with trauma or highly challenging situations. Nearly half of the people who experience a traumatic event note at least one positive change.

I could relate to some of these positive changes or post-traumatic growth ideas.

Gaining personal Strength – In the beginning I could not deal with even talking on the telephone.  I have learned how to pay the bills, fix things and find the strength to get through the hardest of situations.

Gaining appreciation – I started early on going into nature and praying.  I would thank God for all the good things in my life. Being grateful for friends, family and just being alive helps me set the day in the right direction.

Forming deeper relationships –I feel that I have more empathy for others now.  In the book they mentioned how soldiers who had experienced tragedies together developed solid bonds with each other.  My bereavement group and my Facebook widow and widowers group both have sent me people who share my experience and I can relate to on an unfortunately, shared level.

Discovering more meaning in life – This is when you search for religion or spirituality.  I looked beyond, to life after death. I strive to seek knowledge with the bible, yoga, meditation and Buddhism.  I wonder about the significance of my own life and what is my purpose here.

Seeing new possibilities – Am I headed in the right direction? It is time to contemplate different directions in life.  The life I planned is no longer there.  What is the new plan? For many people having a job changes to following a new calling.  I wonder where I am headed.

3. Taking Back Joy

We often focus on the big moments when we look for finding Joy.  Option B suggests that happiness is the frequency of positive experiences, not the intensity.   Rather than wait until we are happy to enjoy the small things, go and do the small things that make you happy.

Sheryl recalls in the months after her husband’s death she wrote in her journal that she would never have another moment of pure joy. Many of us feel that way. My mom kept an Oprah magazine by the side of her couch with the word JOY on it that came out a few months after my dad passed. She kept it as a talisman that she would never have Joy again either.

“Survivor guilt is a thief of joy.” Spending time wondering why him or why didn’t I spend more time with him can keep you stuck. Allowing ourselves to feel happy and push away the guilt to seek joy is a form of self-compassion. Tragedy confines you and keeps you captive. Escaping takes effort and energy. Finding joy, even small amounts at first, is taking back what was stolen from you.

Like Sheryl Sandberg, I did a lot of journal writing after my husband was killed. I faced adversity in finding out the truth about the night my husband died. Learning the truth and seeking justice took time and energy. I built resiliency with therapy, support groups, journaling and friends.

Eventually I remarried a wonderful man and we retired together to Florida where I wrote my memoir: No Simple Highway- A widow’s journey to seek justice for her husband’s death.

So today, I took back joy with a walk along the beach.  I have lived in this Centerport, New York neighborhood for many years and this is the first time I walked 4 miles along the shore.  Some of the beach is a ‘town beach” and some must be private, but at low tide it is OK to take a stroll on the sand that is covered under sea for half of the day.

Walking outside in nature is so much more interesting and healing than a treadmill.  I walked with a friend and it was great.

Reading Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant’s book Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy has been enlightening for me and I plan to read it many times.  I highly recommend the book.

Have a morning walk with me.  Where do you like to go for serenity?

Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy