My left ring finger looks so bare as I think about what to write about on my blog today. I have put on a few pounds since my wedding day and my ring was literally stuck on my finger. It was a beautiful ring that my grandmother had worn her whole life and she left to me in her handwritten scrawl on the side of her neatly typed Last Will and Testament.
When Mike and I decided to get married, after living together in California for a year, I went home to New York, took the ring out of the safety deposit box and declared ourselves engaged. Eight months later we got married and we soldered her platinum diamond ring to my wedding band. I did not change the setting because it is so beautiful the way it is.
But, as with many of the things from my marriage, I have acknowledged that some things are no longer true. Like on Facebook it says I am married. I feel like I am married, but I guess I should really change that to widowed, or at this point I am in a relationship. That just seems too real to deal with.
Most of Mike’s clothes are now gone from his closet, although I still have a few items that I think my sons may want or just keep them around to see. I have expanded my summer wardrobe into his closet. Recently I was going through some piles of papers and came across his expired old license and photo I.D. card from a hotel we worked in together in California. I didn’t get rid of them, yet. Not sure why – I just didn’t want to.
Some widows are ready when their husband passes, and clean out the houses right away. That is not the way I dealt with it. Since his death was unexpected I was in the denial zone for a while, I left everything as is. In fact, I often thought and dreamed that this was all a big mistake and he would be back.
Slowly, I have made progress in moving forward and parting with some things that I really don’t need. His toiletries and medicines took a while, but I realized that I didn’t really want or need them and cleaned out the bathroom shelves one day. He didn’t collect much stuff, but I did get rid of some of his books and papers. I still have his framed diplomas. I guess as long as I am living in this house I don’t have to make decisions about all that stuff yet.
Back to the ring. It is so pretty. I had to cut it off my finger. It was broken in 2 parts of the band and starting to make my finger turn blue. I could change the setting, but since it is about 100 years old, I think I may have it resized and just wear it on my right hand. Maybe I will use my wedding band and his wedding band and design a piece of jewelry to keep him close to my heart as well.
Just something I am thinking about this morning. Then maybe I’ll change my Facebook status. Or maybe I won’t.